Therapy Writing - To try and help sort my feelings May 6, 2006 7:58:41 GMT
Post by Rilith on May 6, 2006 7:58:41 GMT
Part 1 - The Pregnancy
To think and express everything I have felt since the moment I found out I was PG and the events that have followed, It will prolly take a while, so I will have to do it by installments I think.
I'll start from the moment I felt broody. We had got the 2 boys, we had always said 2 is enough and we won't have anymore. I just felt my clock was ticking. I asked Carl to think about it, but if he said no that wouldn't be a problem cus its got to be something we are in agreement on. It took him a few days to ponder it, but he came back to me and said yes. One more won't make that much difference. So I didn't go for my injection and my AF came a few months later. By the 3rd AF was due I was pregnant. I knew pretty much straight away, and Carl did too, he has never been wrong, he has always known.
I got a different feeling about the PG this time though. I had this odd feeling it was going to be twins. I just knew that something was going to make it harder work than the boys. I can't put my finger on what made me feel that was, it was just something I knew. I hadn't thought of anything to do with disability, why should I??? there has never been anything in either family, so it never crossed my mind.
We arranged the ante-natal appointments, then there was the dating scan. The sonographer quickly did the dating, which was 10+3 weeks and then started to take a little bit more time, scanning and measuring, scanning and measuring, even then I didn't think anything was wrong, I just made sure there was only one in there. She made me a follow up apointment for the following week, she muttered something about she couldn't get a measurement on something.
On the way back to the car, I said to carl, they must be hecking for the nuchal fold, it was something new, a new way to detect Downs. That was the end of it. We went back the following week, when we went to book in, the nurse behind the desk, said "oh you are booked in to have a scan with the consultant". Well I have never seen a consultant with any of the other pregnancies, so little alarm bells started to ring.
So again, they measured and scanned, measured and scanned and measured and scanned. Then they told us that baby had a large nuchal fold measurment. They listed what it could possibly indicate, things like Downs, Turners Syndrome and heart defects. The offered a CVS straight away, and could arrange and appointment in Birmingham for the following day, or I could wait until 16 weeks for an amnio. We chose to wait until 16 weeks.
I spent the 5 weeks looking and researching as much as I could about all 3 possible things, while I was at it I found more and more things. It opened my eyes to a whole wide range of what could be wrong. My measurement wasn't even that large, it was only 4mm.
It was odd, cus VB was going through the same thing at the same time, she had made up her mind, just as I had and I totally respected her honesty and felt such empathy towards her. As soon as she got her all clear result, thats when I knew. I knew in my heart of hearts that my results would come back positive with something. But I wasn't scared. I wasn't afraid. I knew that me and Carl would be OK.
I got the phone call, she said, I'm sorry its not the result we were hoping for. All I could ask was, is it only T21? She said yes with a puzzled sound to her voice, and I sighed with relief, well thats OK then. I had found out so many things that were far worse than Downs, that Downs would be the easiest problem to deal with.
An appointment was arranged so they could give us "our options", obviously the 1st thing I said was, we are keeping the baby. The information they gave us was pretty poor really, I had found out more myself.
Then we had the great fun of breaking the news to our families. My family were supportive in their words, they were pleased we would be keeping the baby. They were proud of us for doing so. Carls family were harder, His brother and sister took it really well, but his mum and dad just went over the top. They wanted us to terminate the pregnancy, they didn't want to have a "mongol" in the family. The boys would be picked on and it would be a huge embarressment to everyone. If we kept the baby they would move away. It really didn't help Carl at all, he really needed the support of his family at this time, but didn't get it.
A week or so later we had the full results through, and we also had a request to see the geneticist, they had found something and would like us to have blood tests. When we went to collect our results, they had found a translocation of the 13th and 14th chromosome, in Carls DNA, they had noticed the same thing in babys results and that was what alerted them. This transolcation actually made us high risk for pataus syndrome (T13) we should have been high risk for many miscarriages, if we did manage to carry to term, the baby could die within the 1st month of its life. This was something that made me thankful that again it was "only Downs". They wanted to have Carl's parents tested, just to see if the translocation was in them, we think it was, because they did have lots of miscarriages, thats why they adopted Carls brother and sister, Carl come along much later as a huge suprise. We did mention it to Carls mum and she broke down and cried. I think it was a small peice of closure, she knew now why she lost babies. But she didn't want to be tested. We have said we will let the boys be tested when they are older, just so they can prepare themselves. Just in case.