. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken >Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" >The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" >One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: >'Holy S**t! A talking chicken!'" >The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. >"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. >"Because I p****d in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. >"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. >"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." >"What?" >"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" >"No, You had your chance. Lights out." >Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." >"WHAT?" >"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" >I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!" >Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." >"WHAT!" >"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. >She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" >I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." >"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew all about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know !", the child said, bursting into tears."Promise me, you won't tell me". Confused, the father asked what was wrong ? The boy sobbed,"When i was 7, i got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech. When i reached the age of 8, you hit me with the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. At the ripe old age of 9, you kindly told me " There's no Santa Claus". "Now, if you're gonna try and tell me that adults don't get laid, what's a kid got to live for ?".
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Fella walkin' home one night after havin' a skinful with his mates in the local, decides to take a shortcut through the park, when he sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty quid", she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but thought, what the hell, and it's only twenty quid, so they got down into the bushes. They're goin' at it for a couple of minutes, when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "Hello,hello,hello, what's goin' on here then people ?", asks the officer. "Oh, i'm just making love to the missus constable", says the fella rather uneasily. " Oh, that's alright then", says the officer, "I didn't realise it was your wife". "No", says the fella, "Neither did i until you shone that light in her face !",
A bunch of girls went on a double decker bus tour while over in England. The brunettes took the lower level allowing all of the blondes to enjoy the upper level. About half way through the tour, the brunettes were wondering if the blondes were having as much fun as they were. Some of the brunettes climbed the stairs to the upper level only to find all of the blondes scared stiff, clutching guard rails and each other. "What's the matter up here?" one of the brunettes asked. "We are having a great time downstairs". The blondes replied "that's easy for you, we don't have a driver up here!"
Larry LaPrise,the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at the age of 93 yesterday. The most traumatic part of it all for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in...... and that's when all the ******* trouble started !!!!! lol,lol,lol.
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Tony. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.' Then little Tony says, 'I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which little Tony replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'