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Post by Rilith on Mar 27, 2006 22:53:38 GMT
The doc has done a referal to the PND clinic for me. I'm still no better really. I still cry a lot, and my moods are all over the place. Still not sleeping too well. I get panic attacks when going out. Have found out one trigger though this week. The night we got called into ICU after she had the emergency open heart surgery, when we walked in we were hit by the shock of seeing every single ICU nurse around Holly's cot and the surgeon with his hands in Holly's chest massaging her heart right on the ward. When they were done and everyone went back to their stations, I looked at Holly. She was so tiny and frail. She looked so tired and worn out. I leant over to kiss her and I said my goodbyes. I told her that it was OK if she was tired and fed up, it was OK to go if she wanted to. I feel so guilty for giving up on her. I look at her now and see such spirit in her, so much fight in her eyes. And I feel guilty for letting her down. Sorry its a long one, and sorry for it being a sad one, but I needed to get it out. I have done nothing but cry on Carl over it. It is nice to put it in words. thanks
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Post by Daniella on Mar 28, 2006 8:34:14 GMT
aawwww hun!! (((((((BIG HUGZ)))))
you say that but what would you be like if you hadnt have said goodbye and she hadnt survived??!! ypu had prepared yourself for the worst case scenario - and preparing yourself is not a bad thing.....
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Post by Jojo on Mar 28, 2006 15:34:22 GMT
Aww, Rilith, you've given me tears!!
Don't ever feel guilty, you did the right thing at that time.
Like Daniella said, you wouldn't have forgiven yourself if you hadn't said goodbye, when you had the chance if anything went wrong.
Just try and concentrate on what a wonderful job you've done with her. I mean look how far she's come, and that is something to be so proud of Rilith.
You really have had a rough time, I couldn't begin to imagine how you have coped. I know you have PND, But you are one strong woman in my eyes.
You've always had time for all of us on here, regardless of what you're going through yourself.
You WILL get over your PND, but unfortunatly it takes time.
NEVER forget, we're always here, though we can't give you a big hug when your down, you know you can always come and have a moan, or a big fat cyber hug!!
Hope you feel better soon hunny, you're doing a great job. You've only got to look at Holly to see how far she's come.
Big fat kisses and hugs to you and Holly!! ((((((xxxxxxx))))))
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Post by Rilith on Mar 28, 2006 16:36:14 GMT
Thanks Gals.
Its releiving in a way that we have had a breakthrough of what was upsetting me. I couldn't put my finger on what it was until the other day. Me and Carl were just talking and BOOM there it was.
Thanks for the hugs and lovely words of comfort.
I saw the HV today, she seemed hapy that we know what the trigger is now, she can sort out exactly what specialist care I need now.
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Post by Jojo on Mar 28, 2006 19:11:30 GMT
That's very true Rilith....
It's awful isn't it, when you're down, but don't know why.
I'm sure you'll be back to normal in no time, at least you have something to work with now.
Here's to a speedy recovery hun.
Like I said we're always here, if you want to let off some steam, or even have a big cry. It helps to get it all out.
Big ((((hugs))))
xxx
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Post by Rilith on Mar 28, 2006 22:09:41 GMT
Cheers babes ;D
I try not to sound off too much, you might all think I'm nuts
OOOOPPPS...LOL
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Post by Jojo on Mar 29, 2006 9:41:41 GMT
Pmsl....(we knew that anyway)....lol
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Post by Rilith on Mar 30, 2006 13:34:18 GMT
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Post by Jojo on Mar 30, 2006 18:44:14 GMT
Is that a Sunday???
They will defo be able to help you hun, and I expect once you get started the rest will flow out.
Good luck anyway!
xxx
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Post by Rilith on Mar 30, 2006 19:47:58 GMT
Yeah its a sunday they are open 7 days a week. I hope that they can help, I really do
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Post by Jojo on Mar 31, 2006 19:57:34 GMT
Have faith Rilith.....
I promise you, you will get through this.
I've suffered with deppressoin twice now.
I never knew the cause 1st time around, but think it was postnatal, after I had my 1st.
I didn't even know I had it till she was 5 months old, I just thought I was going mad.
I went to see a psyciatrist (sp) then and after just 2 visits I felt a lot better.
I think it was more to do with the fact I knew it was normal for me to be feeling the way I was so I wasn't scared anymore.
The second time around was a lot worse.
I felt it creep up on me, and I knew there was nothing I could do but let it get to me, then hopefully pass.
I went on anti-depressants that time around, because I knew the cause, and I couldn't figure an immediate way out, so used the tablets to get me through the bad months.
I ended up on them for nearly a year.
Unfortunatly they didn't agree with me, and I felt 20 times worse on them, and really hit rock bottom.
They also made my head spin, blood rushed all over my body, and when I went to the doc's he just changed them for stronger ones, (which again made me feel even worse on top!!)
I was temperaly (sp) living with my mum at that point, with my 2 eldest dd's, and had to travell 45 mins in the car every day to get them to school, what with me feeling dizzy, I really didn't like driving, especially with the girls in the car, but the doc seemed to think I'd ve fine!! (was at a cr@p doc at the time)
Anyway, I finally got to the point where i didn't want to be a living creature on planet Earth anymore, though I never would have done anything silly because of the girls (thank god!!) and broke down to my mum, who for the first time since I could remember had cuddled me...not that we aren't close....anyway, I realised the drugs were doing more harm than good, and stopped taking them there and then.
Within a week, I felt like me again, though it took about 6 months for the rushes of blood and dizziness to go away!!
Anyway, this ounds like I'm slating the tablets which I am not!!! They are very effective for most people, I was just one of those unlucky ones.
I think my problem was that I probably only needed really mild ones, but was given tablets with too much dosage in for me, which then has an adverse effect.
Anyway, my point was, The first time around, I never thoughtI'd get over it, the second I had doubts, but now, it comes and goes, I get deprssed occasionally, but with going through those rough times, I've come out a lot stronger, calmer, and a lot goes right over my head now, (not worth the bother!!)
BELIEVE me, you will come out of this the other side a stronger person.
You know you're not naturally a depressive person, but someone who has gone through too much to deal with in one go, now you need time to digest what has happened (which is what you are doing)....when you've had enought ime to digest, you'll be able to enjoy life fully again.
Good luck tomorrow, let me know how you get on.
Love and hugs, Jo.xxx
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Post by Jojo on Mar 31, 2006 20:00:37 GMT
Sorry, ahead of myself!!
Good luck on Sunday.xxx
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Post by Rilith on Mar 31, 2006 21:34:30 GMT
Awwww Hunni
Thanks for sharing your story, that mustn't have been easy.
I'm just scared of the unknown I think. I had my tabs increased to a stronger doseage and they seem to be working for me. My mood swings are less volitile and I'm not as low when I drop. I still have my low days but I am having good days too.
For me this depression seems surrounded by guilt, guilt of feeling like I let Holly down, Guilt of feeling like I let Carl down by finishing college, Guilt for feeling like I am letting the boys down every time I tell them no I can't take them to school for fear of having a panic attack.
I just feel a failure. I know its all in my head too. Carl is so sweet and tells me everyday that he loves me and is proud of me and I haven't let him down in anything. I feel so lucky to have a good man to support me.
I'm just glad I have somewhere to get it all out IYKWIM. I have a diary on the Due in October forum, that helps. I look back on the first few weeks of the depression and I can see I'm getting better. I can see an improvement. Not sure if its the tabs or not though...LOL
Thanks JoJo, You are a sweetheart
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
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Post by Jojo on Apr 1, 2006 14:40:10 GMT
Any time hun!!
You were worried you wouldn't know what to say to the counciller, well you've already said a lot, and guilt can be a major part of depression, even though you've no need to feel guilty.
It's hard not to blame everything on yourself when your depressed.
I tell you, it feels like a lifetime ago when I was depressed.
I was talking to my sister earlier when we were in the car about when I was depressed, and I said to her, after going through all that, I will never let myself get like it again.
Easier said than done I susspect, but I reckon the possitive attitude has stopped me since, so far so good!
I used to be scared of the unknown, (petrified) but now I try and look on it as a good thing rather than bad.
Be cautious, but not too much so that you miss out on something that could be really good.
Isn't that what lifes about?? Living and learning??
You can't say you're not doing that at the moment.
You're also learning a lot about yourself going through this,.....that you will come through the other side, with amazing stories to tell people, so they can learn too.
The diary sounds like a great idea, I never used one of those, though I had heard they really help.
Glad the tabs are working for you, and that you have great support at home.
I think if I had a bout of depression now, Asa would be flippin useless, probably end up the same as me lol!!
Anyway take care.xxx
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Post by Rilith on Apr 1, 2006 16:34:19 GMT
*Sniff*
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I Love you Hunni
XXXXXXXXXXX
You made me cry happy tears....LOL
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Post by Jojo on Apr 1, 2006 17:07:12 GMT
Aww, well as long as thet aren't sad ones!! lol
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Post by Rilith on Apr 8, 2006 7:13:13 GMT
OOOOO tomorrow.
EEkkk That come around quick
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Post by Jojo on Apr 8, 2006 9:39:29 GMT
Flippin eck, it did didn't it?!
Well good luck for tomorrow.
xxx
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Post by Rilith on Apr 8, 2006 19:07:46 GMT
Thanks Hunni, I go at 11. Damn I feel nervous.
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Post by Jojo on Apr 10, 2006 11:16:08 GMT
So.......How'd it go then???
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Post by Daddy2Josh on Apr 29, 2006 17:43:18 GMT
hows u & carl getting on now rilith?? havnt heard much of u lately!!
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Post by Rilith on Apr 30, 2006 0:19:04 GMT
We had our first session last Monday. It went quite well considoring.
Its nice finally that someone somewhere recognises that Dads feel things too. Everyone else has been concerned with Mum and Holly, but never Dad and how he feels. He was there with me when Holly almost died, he felt the pain, he felt the fear of losing her.
It was good to have the session for both of us, we can talk to eachother about how we feel, but we don't get a lot of emotional support from our families. Carls family are all "pull yourself together" "get over it, she is OK now" and "she'll grow out of it"...PMSL
The problem I am having is I know she is over the ordeal now, but she has got to have it again later this year, and my brain is on hold until after that. Then I can carry on dealing with it. Its like I'm holding off my grief just incase the worst happens, then I can do it then.
I still have a lot of guilt issues about it, and I still have separation issues too. I felt I let her down by not being able to look after her when she needed me the most, so I'm over-compensating now by doing all of her cares everyday 24/7 and Dad feels left out.
We have got a long way to go yet, but hopefully with support we will get through it in time for her next op.
Thanks for asking hunni, its nice to get it off my chest.
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Post by Jojo on Apr 30, 2006 9:45:35 GMT
I suppose you feel like you're in limbo?
I'm so glad you're both getting the help you need at the moment. It will take time but at least you have the ball rolling now.
I doesn't matter how many times anyone can sit there and say, 'you shouldn't feel guilty' and 'pull yourself together' Of course if it was that simple you'd be fine right now!
Well keep us posted anyway, and you know we're always here....for both of you!!
Take care, xxx
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Post by Daddy2Josh on Apr 30, 2006 9:51:10 GMT
here here jojo!!
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Post by Rilith on May 4, 2006 8:29:50 GMT
Thanks Guys ;D We had our 2nd session on Tuesday. Even Carl is finding the comfort in it now It really is a good thing
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Post by Jojo on May 4, 2006 11:07:16 GMT
That's great news Rilith!!
Glad you're both getting some good use from it.
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