A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled, and said hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum?".
"No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher!"
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. 'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what shows up, come back and see me in a couple of days.' The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag. 'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!' 'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor.........
........This is good - wait for it............ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . YOUR MOTHER MUST HAVE BEEN A CARRIER!
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are. The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"